This week has brought a lot of emotions that I have either been suppressing or that I have just been ignoring all together. Tuesday, at 9am my divorce was made final. I'm not going to discuss the demise of my relationship, I am going to focus on the type of person it has made me today.
I can say that the D word is very painful to confront. As a man, there a very real sense of failure and for me a sense of inadequacy. As a person, where did I fail, what could I have done differently, and how can I make things right for everyone involved, today, and into the future?
I can say that today I am not the same person I was in highschool, nor am I the same person I was the day I said I do. My whole life changed the day of the shooting incident a few years back. That is a spot on my life's timeline where I can't confidentally say my life changed. I wish I could say that it changed for the better, and besides the nightmares that followed, I thought my eyes were open to the world, and felt then that I was a stronger person for having gone through it. I believe the reality was that the situation began an uncontrollable downward spiral of paranoia, apathy, and fear of the unknown. Michelle could probably attest to my change in personality after the incident, that, coupled with the ADD drugs that I was prescribed really changed me from the inside out. I truly believe that the set of events I detailed above were the first steps towards my transformation from a fun loving person to a paranoid freak if you will, culminating in what was to become the darkest chapter in my life, which was my divorce.
The craziest part of the whole thing is that during this period my son was born, and so there is a silver lining in the situation that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.
So here I sit, still fighting myself for control of who I am, who I was, and who I think I should be. I don't know where it will all go from here, but it is a work in progress, and I hope that as that chapter ended, a new positive one will begin. I am too far passed saying sorry for everything that transpired, I just want it known that it was me, it was all me.
Sent from my BlackBerry Smartphone provided by Alltel
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Chris, this left me with a quiet, heavy feeling in my soul. I can totally relate to the "failure" of divorce. Still five years after my divorce I feel that failure and wish I could've made it work but I was too far gone as well. Trauma changes people so profoundly! Leaves lives in shambles but then creates new ones, hopefully for the better.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have your son, seem to have a good relationship with your ex and seem to be regaining yourself.
It inspires me, makes me sad and mourn my losses again but determined to not let things ruin and control my life either.
THANKS for sharing so openly and honestly!
The future often presents an opportunity to prove that you have learned from the past. Cheers for putting your thoughts and feelings to words so that others can relate and possibly even heal a bit themselves.
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